Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Whispers in the night

I whisper in her ear. My cheek rubbing softly on her fresh sweet skin. My words are quiet and slow. I'm sorry. 

She sleeps and barely stirs as I pour out appology after appology. I'm sorry I got mad. 

She smells like heaven but I didn't treat her like precious treasure.  I shouldn't have done thatI'm sorry I reacted that way. 

Whispers and tears. Mama is so sorry for her temper today. 

I am good at apologies. They are frequent words in this house. I'm sorry I was not patient when I ask you to be always. I'm sorry I was not kind, when that is what's most important. I'm sorry my words were harsh and my heart was hard. 

She needed me and I felt bothered. I complained and belittled my job of mothering today quite a bit. I was frustrated and I was harsh, mean, and everything a mama should not be. I'm sorry. 

He has so much to say. And I have little desire to listen. These smallish things will some day be bigger things and I will lose my chance to be an influencer in his world. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you more today. I'm sorry I complained about you and your needs today when you weren't around. 

Whispers in the night. Words of humility and love. Proof of the reality that I am learning, changing, growing and still stumbling, but never giving up. 




I'm sorry my loves. Mama loves you so. I am going to try harder tomorrow. Mama loves you so. Sleep and dream. Tomorrow is new and I will try again. 

Monday, July 14, 2014

32

So yesterday we celebrated a birthday. Mine to be exact. I've never really made a big deal about birthdays. I don't put a lot of weight on them as a special day, at least for myself. My kids are one thing. Birthdays should be special and memorable. I know my parents worked hard to make my days special and big because of they were always at the hospital with my sister and away from me. 

I appreciate all their efforts, but some where along this journey of my life I started to harden up and act like they didn't matter. It's a defense mechanism we have. We pretend.

 I pretend it's not a big deal that it's my one special day. I just act like it doesn't matter because then if no one remembers, like they did one time in high school, my feelings won't be hurt because it doesn't really matter to me. 

It's amazing how much of our lives we pretend things don't matter so we can seem like we won't be hurt. Why don't we just say I've always been afraid that I didn't matter enough to people for them to remember my birthday. Or I'm afraid no one will see me or notice me or that I will cease to exist outside of the jobs I do everyday. And that makes me more of a robotic tool than a person who is turning 32. 

This years birthday started with tears and ended with tears. I cry a lot these days and yesterday was no different. The expectations or hopes I put into the day stole my joy of it. My baby still puked on me, my toddler still screamed at me, my almost three year old still had attitude and my five year old still questioned every single decision I made. I'm not sure why I thought it would be different. 

It ended nicely though. My husband sent me off to a movie with my sister in law and we laughed a lot about life. The movie was cute but I enjoyed our time surrounding it more. I had some nice moments and enjoyed all the well wishes from friends and family. Cora would run up to me at various intervals and say in her sweet and melodic sing song voice, "happy birthday mama!! {hug} it's my birthday in two months!!"

As will every step in my journey there is learning going on. I know I secretly put hopes and importance on days and moments. I need to communicate that. I need to be more honest with myself and not in a defeated honesty but a realistic honesty. My world is crazy chaos with the volume up to ten and it will be that way for a long time. Some day, maybe even next year, I will get my day away. Or maybe an over night. But for now I am needed. Truly needed at home, and that my dear friends is were I shall strive to grow in contentment to be. 

Friday, July 11, 2014

insta friday {two weeks worth}

another post to our week. the simple passing of days and hours periodically captured in a photo that isn't blurry.

i'm linking up with jeanett at life rearranged.  i'm akneisler  on instagram if you want to follow me.

life rearranged
the first two were instagram photos i just don't know where the actual ig photo went, so you get the original. and a little peak at some of the parts of my house. i want to do a house tour so badly, but it's still in progress. having a baby a month after moving in can make it difficult to finish.

we, being my other other half molly and i, got a wall in the baby's room done and i'm in love. so much more to do, but i am happy with the small things i'm getting done.

my built ins. {swoon} i love them. i love them for their organization and storage powers. 

i said to my son how great it is that he'll have a spot just for homework now (starting k in the fall) and ever since he's been so excited to do homework i've had to start giving him work to do. doubtful he'll feel that way in 6 weeks.

love this girl. we are working on potty training and it's going well. 

when i say we, i mainly mean my mother in law is doing it. ain't nobody got time for that!

lol. this kid. this was the day we put them outside with their clothes on and then surprised them with the sprinklers. naturally the clothes came off and they were being so silly and having such fun. until someone pooped on the patio. it's all fun and games till someone poops on the patio. three inches from the grass i might add. we don't even have a dog, but they knew to aim for the grass. 

reading and baby safety are a real priority to laine.

i can't do it all. its one or the other. kids or housework. so one day a week these two "big girls" as we call them come over and take over mama duties so i can clean, do laundry, pick up and have some down time around the house. its ah-MAZ-ing! they are there for four hours and i don't interact with the kids unless they need food. diapers done, girls dressed, kids played with= happy mommy!!

this third child of mine is the loudest and definitely strongest. 
though she be little she is mighty. 

swim lesson anxiety to the max. he dreads it. he wants to talk it out for two to three hours leading up to the actual 15 min ordeal. i can't even right now. i'm so emotionally tapped out from this kid whine/talking at me. i love him,i validate him, i encourage him, i tell him it's okay to be afraid, but it's not okay to let it control him. yesterday he actually understood and by the end enjoyed swim lessons. he even said, and i quote, "if i do this a few more days i might even like it."

 it's a christmas in july miracle. but you know what wasn't magical and amazing? two days ago. it was daddy's one day home and they were terrible.  swim lessons were an all around disaster. everyone was angry, screaming and just plain ole awful.  the hubby and i couldn't handle any more so after we got home we took advantage of another adult in the house and we went out for drinks. 
ahhhhh. that's better. 

our week has had some serious roller coaster moments. including chubby baby turning four months and rolling over back to tummy. AND sleeping all night! that's like the biggest moment in my life right now and i totally forgot to mention it. i am sleeping at least 7 hours a night! game changer for sure. 

i hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and i will hopefully blog more next week!
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