this morning i posted on facebook that i was saying 'peace out' to good ole fb. then six hours later, i changed my mind. like a woman. just trying to be consistent with the stereotype.
but truthfully, i am so tired of social media. the ads, and the politics, and the drama, and the over all lameness sometimes. more than anything though, i am more tired of the way i let it control me.
i have, for as long as i can remember, struggled as most women do with friendships. we find so much of our value and satisfaction thru relationships. and i kinda stink at it. or at least i've taught myself to believe that i do. i was in and out of friendships so much in the elementary, jr high, and high school years. never did i have a constant best friend. there were three girls, who were kindred spirits, all thru high school. i praise the lord for them in hind sight. we've kept in touch, but as life often does, it pulls us to our own callings. but, even now in relationships with women i am cautious and yet so hopeful. and that is my main downfall when it comes to social media.
i am constantly putting my hope and my value in what other people think of me, my writing, or my photos. i rarely post on fb these days, unless the kid says something hilarious (or really, i choose to share one of the hilarious moments, because they happen all the time.), but when i do. i am constantly checking to see how many 'likes' or comments i get. this blog here has been a constant source of insecurity. and it's my own fault. i put my heart out there. or my cute craft. and i wait. wait for people to approve of me. wait for people to like me, and with one click of a button say i am important and of value.
and that my friends, is a very dangerous place.
i am grateful that i have matured to the place where i see my insecurity and realize the danger. but, is leaving facebook and all sources of social media the answer?
in a way maybe. but more than leaving social media, i need to seek first the only one who can fulfill me, validate me, and heal my insecurities. i can't just become a hermit. that would make coming back 1000% worse. i must withdraw and find balance, all while retraining my thinking and my priorities.
i am in the trenches with my children. these are the years that mean so very much. laying the foundation for their ability to make relationships and grow to an adult. i am not teaching my son well. and that is a truth that hurts to say out loud. but it is true. it is real. and i never want to be anything but real.
these are lonely years, and i look to blogs where women share their hearts and want to make connections. i need to seek out the relationships that exist in the real world though. i need to do play dates, and coffee, and double dates. but also realize that social media has it's place. it has taken on the facilitation for events, announcements, and, let's be honest, i'd never remember people's birthdays if it weren't for the reminders. i need to stop and focus on my family, and my resposibilities, and myself. but find balance in it all.
balance is the key. and while i strive to find it, i will not go to the opposite extreme for that is not healthy either.
all that to say, i am a mess. but a mess with a plan. and as for now, i am still here, but in much needed moderation.